Tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef, that I'm a vegetarian, and I ain't fucking scared of him.

Happy 20th Birthday, ADELA


Ok so usually, I would take a photo and draw a really cheap looking birthday hat and balloons or something on it but photoshop got deleted off my computer. Instead, let's try something different.

( Read more... )

What a glorious world I live in.



lmao. come on, you have to agree.

Dollar sign brass knuckles, gangster duck slippers, hoods up, dancing crazy to "Got Money".

Danielle is my sanity here. Or together we're insanity.
It's whatever.

I'll have something more interesting soon.
[if that's even possible]

I put tons and tons of my entries on private.
I need a huge change; I need a fresh start.

exactly fourteen days ago, after leaving Danielle's Pub, I was pulled over on McKinney Ave in uptown Dallas.I knew it was coming because both my Registration and my Inspection were out, also, I had just realized earlier that evening that my right head light was out [thanks to Laura who noticed it while driving in front of me on our way back from the mall]. My Registration and Inspection were way out, so I can't get too mad about that. I expected something to happen, really. But a headlight I had just found out about four hours prior? Ridiculous.

Thank G-d I did not drink a sip of alcohol at the pub. I usually do. No, I'm not an idiot. I don't drink and get in my car like "alright, party time, I'm invincible, y'all". But Danielle always brings me a little something, or a sample of the newest drink she's diggin'. Or if I go in there with the intention to drink, I either have a designated driver or I refused to leave until I've sat there for a long, long period of time.

So, the Police Officer pulls me over. I didn't have my new proof of insurance paper. I was cited for outdated Registration & Inspection, not having proof of insurance, and my right headlight being out. Ok, no big deal. I got everything taken care of within two days. I had to pay a small fine getting my Registration because I was cited, but it like $8. No problem. The officer told me I had 21 days to get this taken care of.

I called the number on my Citation time and time and time again on Monday and I had absolutely NO luck getting through to them. I just wanted to be 100% sure that I did not have any extra fines I had to pay once I went down to the Court to show them all my updated documents. I listened to that damn recording seventeen times only to be transfered to an "operator" just as many times. The line rang and rang and rang before finally saying "we're sorry, the number you have reached is not in service at this time."

Forget it. I decided Monday night I'd just drive down there. The site said they were open late. Of course when I arrived, the doors were locked. What fools. I finally went back yesterday bright and early. Now keep in mind, I'm all the way in Plano, like four corners area, Plano-Allen-Frisco-McKinney. It's not a short trip. So I wait in a horrendous line, show some woman who so obviously loathed her job my citation and she made me a court date on the 17th to show all my documentation to a JUDGE so it could be dismissed. I don't get it. I have had tickets before. All I've had to do was show up, show the person my info, and be on my way. A court date? A judge? I hate Dallas.

[Knock on Wood] My sleeping has been OK since Wednesday. Xanax is to thank for that, because I don't lie there with a million ridiculous, terrifying things running through my mind. Of course, I have to wake up early tomorrow. Not just as a promise to Danielle, but as a promise to myself. I'm supposed to be at her place at 10:30. And by 8 this evening, I was in bed, feeling tired, ready to call it a night. Then, as soon as I confirmed our plans for tomorrow, I couldn't sleep. Anxiety is my worst enemy. Now, I could go out for hours. I suddenly have the urge to write six chapters, proof read them and write them all over again if needed. Am I losing my mind?

I'm going tomorrow. Sleep or not. This is ridiculous.

I'm not racist, but this one makes me laugh every time:

A black baby was born with wings. The baby asked asked G-d, "Am I an Angel?" God laughed and said, "Naw nigga, you a bat." HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

No matter where I am: how close or how far, no matter what happens, or what doesn't for that matter, I am blessed enough to have the most amazing people in my life and I could not be more thankful or ask for anything more.

I so lucky to be reminded of it each and every day.

je tres suis si combattu. au revoir ♥

I'm keeping quiet till they're no more sirens.
lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise.
I found my words when there was no one talking.
the room is spinning, I have got no choice.
be patient, I am getting to the point.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly.
so i just waited with the lights turned out again.
I lost my place but I can't stop this story.
I found my way but until then, I'm only spinning.

I'm keeping quiet till the phone stops ringing.
lately it's hard to disconnect; I just want something real.
I found the words, if i can just stop thinking.
the room is spinning, i have got no choice.
be patient, I am getting to the point.

spin; beneath the rooftop.
hold on, wait until the room stops spinning.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly.
so i just waited with the lights turned out again.
I lost my place but I can't stop this story.
I found my way but in the end we're only spinning.

I'm only spinning.

I need to take a minute and tell the world that I love my friends.

G-d sent me to Texas to meet Danielle. She completes my life.
Michele is everything to me and has been for ten years.
Adela is always there to pick me up every time I fall.
And Kara is joining my life once more.

My girlfriends are my life

G-d, you have truly blessed me.
Thank you for everything.

Always grateful,
Anne.

Seriously, Adela and I are soooo pulling a Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson.


we're "going there".

Boys, boys, boys. If you're trying to be smooth, if you're meeting a girl for the first time and you want in, do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to be sly and text her while you're all in a group of people and tell her you want to see if she can deep throat it.


I consistently make it known I believe more than 75% of the population are a bunch of idiots, but this puts all my thoughts in a whole different perspective.

tomorrow is a very, very special day. my hands are tired but I'll keep the reason withheld for now. um, I have a lot on my mind but I'm not sure where to start. I always feel it's better to get it out there, not even for my own benefit, mainly just for yours. But recently, it's been brought to my attention that honesty is not always something that the other party can deal with. and as much as their begging and pleading for it, it's never going to come out right. there is only one way that people are going to take things. and there is nothing you can do to change that.

plus, it doesn't help that no matter what you say and how you say it, and how many times you try to rectify it, if a person is so completely down on themselves, they will sit there and twist your words and your rectification until it hurts them more than they are hurting themselves. there is nothing you can do to change that. and as messed up as it really is, some times, even though we don't want to, we end up losing people in this path during their own self destructive downfall. and we're trying to hold on so tight. but it's almost like this is something they need to do. and they were looking for a reason. so at the end of the day, there is something to blame this on. there's only so much one person can do or say. then you reach a point where it's all up to them, which isn't a good point at all.

I'm sick. what's new? I'm so sick and I just can't shake it. It usually doesn't bother me this long, but everything is getting worse. It was good to have Pesach off because I was able to, I guess, attempt at getting better in bed. I had to see my doctor which lets me know my health is at a terrible place. I haven't had to go in to see him since February. That gave me home I was closer to getting better, and now I'm rethinking that. I've cut a lot of things out of my diet. I'm eating like a crazy person, but my body is feeling better. I've been drinking so much water and only putting organic things inside my body. [Except for this coffee I'm putting in my body right now because I can't take it]. It's helping a little bit.

It's so strange to get back into the swing of things when it comes to work. It was so quiet and still here for the past few days and then everyone and everything came roaring through here like a tornado. I miss these faces. Isn't that strange? It's so fast-paced and I think maybe that's what I've needed and what I've been looking for. Six weeks and the schedule will change and I'll become full time and summer will be in full effect. I guess it's safe to say at this point, at least from my end, this is where I plan to stay for a while. So I can get comfortable, put some photos on my desk, enroll in some classes, settle into writing and know I have a safe place to rest my head.

My sleeping has been off lately. On Sunday, I came home and slept all day. Which is the first time I've taken a "nap" in about a year. Then on Monday, I got off at probably 4:30ish, came home and then passed out until about 8pm. Needless to say, I slept horribly that night. So yesterday, I came home and didn't try to sleep. I tried to stay up as late as I could. I fell asleep after SVU and only slept for an hour. Then I was up until like four in the morning, terribly sick. I feel like hell now. My head is pounding. No amount of vicodin is even remotely helping. I just plainly feel sick.

I really would prefer to see Krystee tonight so we can go running and then hopefully come home and pass out and sleep like a babyyy.

that sounds good.

I've decided just lately, like I've decided so many times before, that I'd be a lot better off if I just continued to document life day by day, or rather night by night, and I'm not sure exactly why the need for that is so incredibly strong, but it seriously is. Therefore, here I'll sit, even if forcefully, for at least a few moments nightly and just recap, for my own damn sake.

We'll start with my writing from last night;

Krystee and I ventured to this really amazing Borders in Flowermound. I grabbed a WWII magazine, four books of Hebrew and the ever so amazing "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath. Krystee picked up every tattoo book/magazine imaginable in an utmost attempt to find her most desirable future sleeve/neck piece.


We got in there a little after 8pm and, unsurprisingly, it turned into 11pm pretty quickly. Somehow, that seems to happen to me a lot at the bookstore.

After we were unsuccessful in whatever attempt toward whatever reason we actually went in there for, we got in the car and took a drive to the lake, which disappointingly had closed about ten minutes before our arrival. So, we sighed and headed back to Krystee's. Again, I find myself needing to put to word my relationship with this individual. I just feel so comfortable and so damned lucky to have met her and to be able to connect with her like this.

We drive down the road as she holds on to the door of my car, always afraid by my "California driving", but dancing with every other part of her body. Both of us shaking our heads uncontrollably to old school Fall Out Boy and she screams above the chorus of "WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIGHT"' with, "I love being with you. All I do is just smile. I feel free; like I'm a kid!"

I sing the lyrics to her louder than they're blaring through my almost blown speakers as if to respond, as if to say, "I know exactly what you mean." Because I do. I'm still a child, much of a child actually in most senses, but there is this beauty of freedom that people can bring out in you. and we, well, we bring it out in each other and it's a remarkable thing.

We got back to her house and snuggled up with the pugs and the most amazing book I've ever seen in my life: this photography book from Auschwitz II. Krystee and I have become obsessed with this entire era and the fact of pure fate through it all as of lately. We both have just brought out this sense of passion in one another. We read "Holocaust Survivor" by Mike Jacobs, founder and creator of the Dallas Holocaust Museum, cover to cover and sobbed uncontrollably and since then, have had such a beautiful respect and outlook on life. It's strange. I know. And my words could never describe it. But this subject and her outlook just make me see this woman's soul and she is such a fucking passionate, amazing person. Have I said this enough yet?

This book touched me. Had I not been in such shock, I would have cried more and more with every turn of a page. Pictures of these beautiful, skinny, lost souls, being subjected to experiments, this soul-less look in their eyes. Bodies upon bodies piled in ditches. People in stripped suits walking lifelessly. My heart pounded and I felt these pictures with my fingers so slowly, as if I could touch them; as if just for a second I could feel their pain and understand their hope. If I could really just somehow absorb it, teach myself somewhere deep that life could NEVER fucking be that bad. Heroic figures have come in and out of my life, yes, but these specific individuals, all of these lives lost, they are my heroes, my leaders, my soul reason for belief.

It was infatuating and at the same time, absolutely horrifying. We didn't speak too much, teary eyed, both from sadness and happiness, in utter disgust but determined to look through all 300+ pages.

After which, I felt vaguely ill and left not too much later. My head was spinning and I was filled with this unfamiliar sense of terror.

Michele's phone call accompanied my ride home as we reminisced about our summers in LA, circa the "Leukemia" bullshit. and I felt safe somehow. With Michele, it's just different. I never have to fight to prove to her that I am there for her, that if we go a few hours without speaking, our friendship is still going to be there. We went too long without one another. And it's amazing that after all those years [2 was it?] without speaking, since our reconciliation last summer, we have grown just as close, just as beautiful as we were before. That all in itself gives me faith in people. And it's really what has taught me who appreciates me and who obviously just appreciates themselves.

I love to be able to know that I can open up to someone and know that every word I utter is absorbed and considered. My heart is cold and I don't let a lot of people in. But Michele owns so much of it and no matter what we've been through, it's always going to be that way. I'm sure of that now. I'm sure.

I miss her so much.

I sat up pretty late, till four, maybe later. I had a very in touch conversation with Sarah which made me succumb to the realization that I have a lot more good people in my life than I had previously figured.

I miss this specific life I once encountered. But, I've become accustomed to my replacement. Something I'd never previously admit.

As for today, well everything has just been pretty plain. I pushed myself too much last week and I got myself sicker in a more troublesome way. Getting back on track tomorrow makes me feel uneasy. But, it'll be nice, I suppose.

I actually slept today, mostly all day because my body is just so worn down. so, needless to mention, sleep won't come easy tonight. but maybe that's ok.

Lately,
I've got a problem with the way that you behave
you're too much. and all your questions don't leave me no time for me.

all your opinions, keep them to yourself. just let me think so I can hear myself.
wouldn't it be nice if I could just go solo, take the day off? I'd be alright if you would leave me to it, back the fuck off.
you're talking way too much.
you tell me one more time how I should live, I swear I'll bite your head off.
I am who I am and I can't be no one else
you got nothing left to say; keep your comments to yourself.

Welcome Pesach break.

au revoir knee socks and long skirts!!

what's up hair extensions, make up and LEGGINGS. zomaw!

You wouldn't think I'd be so happy about the above but I mean, it's like coming out off of a 3 month stint, or the set of a movie where you've worked the last 3 months and had taken on the roll of this character who was so far out of your own personal jurisdiction.

I've been so far from myself, getting back to normal for the next week is going to to feel very strange, for I think half of me is slowly forgetting; as my days away are spent so tiresome from such an act that I've either lost the will to try or have seriously simply just forgotten how I usually am.

this is all a bit random and making no sense.

I just finished Holocaust Survivor and I am so pumped up right now. I want to head to the Museum in Dallas right now and hear this man speak [Mendel Jakubowicz]. I just called my Mom up to see if she would attend with me but I can't reach her. she must be at work with the rest of the normal nation.

At the end of this, the only thing I really mean to say is I've got a lot of time that I'm unsure what to do with. I feel empty inside, but so full, I can't find the words to explain. I have no respect towards those I don't know and random people ruin things, they make me lose whatever small faith I had left in the unknown hands of mankind. [which wasn't very much, trust me]

I miss Kristy, for during these hours as of late she has seriously just been the only person here that I can honestly and truthfully call a friend and she has helped me see so much of life, in such a different light. it honestly almost makes me feel sick deep in my stomach to realize there has been so much of the world I have seen, but never really looked at. and how the hell did I ever attempt to embrace these specific aspects of living without her in my life? It doesn't make sense.

far too difficult to be anything anyone would understand, I suppose. and if you've read thus far well then, félicitations, a little more intelligence exists here than I previously suspected.

work is kind of slow. I have a bunch of paper work I need to take care of but I definitely have to wait until after 4:30pm carpool because I need this place to be a child-free environment before I can get any work done.

I feel like such a pushover at work because I can't be mean to these children and they completely walk all over me and try to get whatever they can out of me because they believe they're going to get away with it. Like six of them just came into the office and I said "what's wrong" and they all just started screaming over one another at the top of their lungs and I began, like usual, to have this slight panic attack and I pushed my chair from my computer and put my hands to my head and said "stop". hearing that, the Rabbi came running out of his office, shouting [the first time I'm ever heard him] telling all of them to get out and leave me alone and to go fight outside, blah blah blah.

I feel like such a sissy.

It's not the first time this has happened. It sent me into the worst anxiety attack last Monday and I went running into his office, shut the door, leaned against the wall and slowly fell to the floor like a wuss. and all I could say was "I'm sorry to be such a push over; these girls, they refuse to listen to me." and he went flying out of his office and into the nurses office where about six of them were stationed, closed the door and put them in their place, whatever.

doesn't mean they stop this act. I'm frustrated. so, whatever, I'll be staying in the office till seven, I hope. this whole Pesach thing is really going to kick my ass.

how can I possibly describe all of this without having to openly come to the admittance that I'm feeling like a hateful, dreadful waste and I've sincerely lost my mind? It's not possible.

I have these specific individuals in my life whom I absolutely adore more than life itself. However, some of them, and I mean just less than a handful of them have changed so drastically that at this point in time, I want nothing to do with them. And I hate that. I hate admitting that someone I cared for in such a deep, significant way has just become this obnoxious, selfish entity that I dread thinking of.

And you, well, you probably just have absolutely no idea. I can honestly say that you have no idea you are anything but "perfect" or whatever you believe. and I'm a sissy because I can't yell at you and I can't tell you how bothersome you've become. after everything, I should be able to do as much, right? But I just can't. So, here I sit, just like a wuss, sitting behind a monitor, typing so hard that my fingers feel sore, filled with this inexplicable anger and disappointment toward you. So much I should tell you, no, so much I NEED to tell you, but so much I can't.

Sorry for being such a sissy. Then again, why am I apologizing? I'm an open minded person, and though I'm not stable enough with myself, I'm stable enough with my feelings to understand that if I were a close minded, selfish little prick, I'd be able to change it.

once upon a time, you were this remarkable soul that surpassed most every single person in my life. you were this innocent being with a heart made purely of gold. and my G-d, I couldn't believe it. I never knew a person like you existed. But time changes people. It always does. and I wish so hard that it changed you for the better, that you just, in general, changed for the better.

there was a time where we grew so close, it was shocking. and I opened up to you sooner than I have opened up to anyone in my past. I told you things and you would listen. whatever advice you had, you would give me. I never said much, since I mostly just never do, but at least when I told you what I had the balls to tell you, you'd listen to my words and give me some kind of help.

But you got overcome with this specific type of deceit and suddenly you weren't you anymore; in fact, you aren't anything I really know anymore. you had these values that most people don't have. you had these dreams and aspirations that I just knew one day you were going to achieve. I doubt a lot of people and I doubt a lot of things in life. But when it came to you, I never once for even just a moment had any doubt that you would go places and that you would only grow into a better person [if that was even possible].

but you threw it away. you slowly became this person that I don't know and sometimes I hate that I even knew you to begin with. A part of my soul loves you, still, after everything [because it's like I have to]. but it hurts to be so damn deceived. and to give my heart to you only for you to toss it into the air while you ramble on with your own business and turn everything around until you're hoping to G-d that it blows up in my face, [better mine than yours, right?] and I used to try to explain it to you; to make you understand. but you made so many excuses until finally you began to religiously believe your own bullshit. silly, huh? it's like this strange example; heroin is deadly. it's addictive. it's a stupid drug. it only fucks up your life. and you can die from it. billions of people will tell you that. but if you're one person who is addicted to it, your opinion is going to be different. you're going to think it's just fine. that it's good. that it makes you feel so damn fantastic. and you will continue to believe that until the day it kills you. kind of like your lies, right?

I don't ask how or why it changed because I know. But again, I'm too much of a coward to write what the reason; too much of a sissy to say it to your face. but I suppose at this point I publicly just ask if this lifestyle, if this "amazing drug" is worth fucking up your life, if it's worth becoming that selfish person that people immediately roll their eyes at. if it's worth losing me, no, scratch that, is it worth losing yourself?

I'd be an idiot to assume you know I'm talking about you. but I know you come by and read this. I know because you had to delete me from everything else except this because no matter what, not reading my words is going to burn you. and I'm even more of an idiot to assume that you realize your behavior. so because I'm being that I am such a wimp, how am I supposed to expect someone like you to change? maybe I always just thought you were smart enough to realize your ways, to notice when the people around you were letting you go because they were just plain sick of it. maybe I always, always thought that no matter what, no matter why and no matter who entered our lives, things between us would just always remain.

and this is never for any of the reasons that people assumed. Every once and again, I believe that people walk into your life for a reason. and whether we went from being "in love" one week to, "bff's" the next, I believed that you, above all people, had come to me for some spectacular reason that once upon a time I swear I knew. everyone will doubt my reassurance towards this entire thing being for any reason but my "feelings" for you, or my lack of having been able to get over it. no, that's not it. it just feels like such a burn that you walked into my life when I was there on my knees and you pretended to try to help me out and you pretended to be this thing that you clearly are anything but.

then when life played out, in neither one of our favors, we still sort of had each other. not for any deep reason, just because long ago we had a bond that wasn't going to be broken. maybe I spite you so much that it's just not something I can easily overlook. because obviously, I'm still here, having not spoken to you in months now, bitter taste filling my mouth after saying your name, but I still feel the need to write it, to put it somewhere I know you'll look and ask you why you've become such a deviant; why you've become this version of a selfish soul you demand you're anything but? it boggles me.

hey, everyone is going to be wrong sooner or later. I just wish I didn't have to be wrong about you.

My body is completely and utterly exhausted beyond any sort of restoration at this specific point. The more time that passes, the more terrible my sleeping habits become. By this point in my successful experience of this indefinable illness, I thought I had already reached the point of no return with this exhaustion. However, somehow, it just keeps getting worse.

To be a bit honest, work should surely tire me. I have to squeeze my attempts at carefully completing hundreds of tasks into just a few hours. It's a lot more complicated than these mediocre jobs I've experienced prior. Trying to be accountable for upwards to three hundred children a day [not solely, granted] while attempting to hang on to your insanity leaves you at this place of death come night fall.

I sit in traffic about fifteen miles from my house for over an hour, get home worn down, not having been able to sleep in days, and climb into bed only to fucking sit there for hours on end, watching too many shows on WE! and Oxygen network. Eventually, you know, after days on end of these unhealthy, wakeful splurges, I'll get two hours here, or three hours there. But, I'm never asleep long enough to go into REM, to get any kind of successful rest to get me out of this slump; I really never sleep.

I feel so terrible for having let this on its own have such a huge effect on my life. As everyone knows by now, my health is a story all in its own; I'm still living through this inescapable pain. But not sleeping completely makes it worse to such an extreme that I could never define or detail.

Miserable post, miserable waste, but miserable is all my body feels lately. It's despicable.

holding on to patience, wearing thin.
I can't force these eyes to see the end.
if only time flew like a dove,
we could watch it fly and just keep looking up.

this time we're not giving up.
let's make it last forever.
screaming; h a l l e l u j a h.
we'll make it last forever.


[[[zomg BFF's]]

I am not a bad person. And I don't say that because I have a mouth full of myself, I say it because I have enough respect for myself to realize that I am not a piece of shit. So where you get off trying to tell me that I am completely baffles me.

For what it's worth, you disgust me. And I'm sure it's not worth much. But neither are you so we're even, I suppose.

Jessica's covered in a blanket on a sunday porch,
thinking on weekends she would party in the city.
she doesn't have a flame. she'd prefer to burn out like a torch
if she gets nowhere in life, at least she knows she's pretty.



what does it take to be a super hero in my world?
make no mistake that these villains always get the girl.
we can escape and then we'd skate away from all of this...
but no one ever does.